Children and Divorce

Single parents create happy new homes after divorce

2008-06-01T16:44:00.001-07:00

Single parents create happy new homes after divorce

By H.M. CAULEY Atlanta Journal-Constitution Published on: 05/29/08

With the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, it's no surprise that many of Stephanie Andrews' design clients find themselves starting over again. Unlike the recent grad who's just rented a new apartment or newlyweds moving into a starter home, the newly single often come with bits and pieces of their past to sort through, as well as a passion to put their own imprint on their surroundings quickly.

"There's so much psychology that goes into designing a home," said Andrews, owner of the Candler Park-based Balance Design. "Newly single people want to explore who they are and put that in their house. It's a chance for them to show their own personal style."There's also something liberating about putting together a home without anyone else's approval. "They have full control and there's no need for compromise, which is very freeing for them," said Andrews. "They can have fun. About the only compromise they may have to make ends up being the cost." For divorced parents, there's the additional desire to make a house a home very quickly for the children. And there are considerations such as where the family will spend time together. Where will the kids do their homework?Here's a peek inside three Atlanta residences where single parents have put their own style on a new space.Getting more for less in DoravilleGraphic designer Gabrielle LeBlanc's post-divorce budget made finding a new home in her 8-year-old's school district a challenge. But after 18 months in a Dunwoody apartment, she uncovered a 1960s brick ranch in Doraville that needed a bit of TLC."I knew I could make it work," she said. LeBlanc ripped out carpeting and refinished the wood floors. She painted the trim and ceilings; installed new light fixtures; and added her own small details, such as replacing the wall switch covers. Her thriftiness extended to the furnishings. An inexpensive, three-tiered chandelier she found at IKEA got an upgrade when she added rows of crystals. A friend donated her kids' old crayon-covered art table that LeBlanc refinished to show off the wood. Instead of payment for a job, she traded her work for a futon. And she picked up some framed artworks for $1 at a yard sale.

LeBlanc scoured stores for decor deals and snagged several. A crescent-shaped table with repairable scratches was $90 at Ballard Designs. A low, glass-fronted buffet in the red dining room came from Crate and Barrel. A green suede sofa was a steal from World Market. Inexpensive cube shelving from IKEA created a storage unit for her son's toys.LeBlanc warmed the house with personal items. Framed photos of New Orleans, her hometown, line the halls. A portrait of her grandmother, painted by her grandfather on their wedding day, graces her home office."I wanted a fresh slate," said LeBlanc. "And I liked being able to create my own space without having to ask anyone's permission."

Kids come first in Avondale Estates

Attorney Sheryl McCalla gave her real estate agent a short list of requirements when she went house shopping five years ago. She wanted to be close to her job in Midtown and near the intown school that her two children attend. Though the three-bedroom house in Avondale Estates wasn't an exact fit, McCalla knew it was a terrific place to start over after a divorce."I was looking for a family friendly house in a nice neighborhood," said McCalla. "Here, we can walk to the pool and playground and I have the support of other parents in the neighborhood."The 1950s house had already undergone an extensive renovation, including the addition of a second floor and an open kitchen and family room. "That was key, because I wasn't in a position to do that kind of work," said McCalla.In the large foyer, the base of the staircase leads to the second floor and into the family room as well. A former living room, with a fireplace, is now the red dining room. McCalla turned the old glass-enclosed porch into the art room, where her kids are free to paint on the walls, floors or windows as their creativity moves them.The expanded kitchen has cherry cabinets and an island where the kids can do their homework while McCalla cooks. A corner eating area has a banquette for cozy seating. An adjacent small room holds all of the kids' toys and several musical instruments, while a former first-floor bedroom is now the TV room.McCalla decorated her son's room with a space theme and had an artist paint her daughter's favorite flowers and garden scenes around her bed.The move meant buying all new furniture. "The only things I had were a king-sized bed, two night stands, a dresser and an exercise bike," said McCalla. But she took her time tracking down the large wood dining table, with chairs and bench seating; a beige sofa and two chocolate chairs around the family room fireplace; and a round dining table in the breakfast nook.The kids' artwork on various walls and framed playbills from New York shows that McCalla's parents collected are constant reminders of family connections."Simplicity was my goal," said McCalla. "But it was also important to make the house comfortable. And it had to feel like home."

At home at Dad's

Attorney Doug Kertscher started his search for a post-divorce house for his two young children by drawing a 10-mile circle around their primary residence. The perfect place turned up in the form of a 6-year-old house in Morningside."The house had been well-maintained, which was important because I work a lot of long hours, and I didn't want to have my children with me while I was fixing the roof," said Kertscher.The three-story house came with enough open spaces for his children to run around and several areas that double as adult and kid areas. In the library, book shelves are lined with Dad's collection on the top rows; all of the kids' favorites are within their short reach below. A large rectangular ottoman opens to reveal a toy chest.Kertscher was also insistent that the bedrooms be on the same level so the children would be close by. "And I wanted their rooms to have neat things," he said. In his boy's room, there's an outdoor theme with stars on the ceiling, star lights and camping knick-knacks. His daughter's room, painted in pinks and greens, has stick-on fairies and her name on the walls. The third level of the house has one big room outfitted with a desk and computer, including two kid-sized chairs that double as recliners. Another corner holds a drawing area and chalk boards where the kids can get creative.A sun room houses the entertainment center in front of an over-sized chaise lounge big enough Kertscher and his tykes. "This is where we do our night-time reading," he said.Kertscher furnished the house with new pieces, including the large-screen plasma on the wall of the living area, and what he describes as "strong, male colors.""They're blues and grays, with some greens and reds, that are strong but still warm," he said.Most of his attention was devoted to creating a home that was functional for him while also being a comfort zone for his kids."It was very important to have a place where they'd want to come," he said. "They love coming to Daddy's house; sometimes they'd rather come here than go to the park. And I've been really happy about that."

Tips for making a house a home fast:

• Instead of ordering furniture, ask about buying a floor sample that you can take home immediately. Not only can you get it right away, you may get a discount.

• Shop for ready-made items, such as curtains, drapes and bedding that can punch up a room in minutes.• The biggest bang for your makeover buck is color. Select a color scheme that will flow throughout the house and make you feel good every time you enter.

• Make it personal by displaying your favorite items that have good memories.

Wife and teen groom denied custody of child

2008-05-06T16:20:00.001-07:00

Wife and teen groom denied custody of child

Details of settlement not made public

By CHANDLER BROWN, KEN SUGIURA

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 05/05/08

Lisa Clark Gonzalez's bid to gain custody of the baby she had with her teenage boyfriend was settled Tuesday, but details weren't immediately available.
"They did not get custody, but they are pleased with today's developments," said Jan Young, Lisa Gonzalez' publicist.
Attorneys for Gonzalez and Angela Perkins, Gonzalez' one-time friend and co-worker who has custody of the boy, reached a temporary decision on custody prior to a scheduled hearing at the Douglas County Courthouse. The lawyers will continue to negotiate the rights of both sides and the child.

Young said the Gonzalezes did not have more comment on the advice of their attorney. Citing the same instructions, Perkins also declined comment; her attorney, Andrea Molodovan, did not return two phone calls seeking comment.
"We would appreciate having some privacy for the family," said the attorney, Kim Dymecki, who declined to provide any further details of the agreement, which will be filed with the Superior Court in Douglas County.

Tuesday morning, after Dymecki, Moldovan and Christy Draper, an attorney assigned to represent the boy's interests, informed Superior Court Judge Robert J. James of their decision, Dymecki and her clients fled the courthouse with a raft of TV photographers in their wake. Dymecki later described it as a "circus."
"We all must remember there is a child at the center of this case," she said.
The case has caught the attention of metro Atlantans since Lisa Clark, then 37, Adrian Gonzalez, then 15 and a friend of her teenage son, got married after she became pregnant. Clark later served time for statutory rape and for helping Gonzalez escape a group home in DeKalb County. She delivered the baby, Skye Cobain Gonzalez, while in jail. After Lisa Conzalez was released from prison in February, she rejoined her husband and they now live with a friend near Gwinnett Place Mall in Duluth. Wife and husband are now 39 and 17, respectively.

According to court records, Skye has been living with Perkins, who took care of the child when Gonzalez was in prison. Listing more than 12 reasons in court documents why Lisa and Adrian Gonzalez were unfit parents, Perkins has sought full custody.
Dymecki expected an uphill battle. Monday, while saying she hoped for her clients to gain full custody of their son, she said that "at this point, we'll take whatever we can get."

Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble

2008-04-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble
By MICHELLE HISKEY
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 04/19/08
The signs of Rob and Karen Byers' marriage have been bleak the past three months.He's been living apart from her and their 1-year-old son.Last week, morning commuters near Emory University passed dozens of these signs posted by Rob Byers. "I made a big mistake," he says of what led to their separate homes in Decatur.They've been married for 11 years, college friends for a decade before. They were the quiet pair who always hung back at parties.
He's 38 and still in his head too much.She's 39, angry and confused by him, long wanting more emotion from him.In an effort to come home, he dreamed up something really big.

"I'm going to surprise you tomorrow," he told her by phone one night early last week. "And you're really going to like it."
The first yellow signs were stuck under her car wiper blades."Rob Loves Karen.""Karen I'm Sorry."Perplexed, she drove off — along the same route she takes every morning to her favorite bagel shop.
The same six words shouted from telephone poles along busy Clairmont and North Druid Hills roads. Along this popular commuting route to Emory University, the posters burst in the color of war ribbons.

He was wrong: She didn't really like it.At all.Have a loved one's best intentions ever ended up making you even madder? Then you know how she felt.
"Totally freaked," she said. "I felt like it was advertising to the world we had problems. I felt embarrassed that that was thrown out into the world. These are things I have only told a handful of close friends."

She tore down the first few, but "there were so, so many and the baby was in the car, I knew I was getting nowhere."She thought back on their pattern: his bad timing, her disappointment.
"It was like when he proposed," she says. "I was weak and in bed with a cold, and he got me out of bed and I was in my bathrobe when asked me. And I was furious that this is what I would remember forever."

He was at work when she called to vent about the posters: "If that was a surprise, it was really lame!"Her view changed after she talked to friends, who urged her to see his gestures as sweet and romantic, if misguided.

He did express how he felt, just not the way she ever imagined.Making something private so public opened up her eyes to a hidden truth."People have been so supportive and opened up," she says. "Everyone has problems even though they act like everything is fine."
Even though they don't know exactly where their marriage is headed or how they will get there, after all this, they realize that neither wants to give up.And both agree that's a good sign.

How Much Life Insurance Do You Need After Divorce?

2008-03-18T10:23:00.001-07:00

How Much Life Insurance Do You Need After Divorce?
(provided by Ann O'Flanagan, Esq.)

Experts believe that a surviving spouse with children needs at least $100,000.00 worth of insurance for every $500.00 of pre-tax income. If you require $3,000.00 a month ($36,000.00 per year) to cover your expenses, your spouse should have $600,000.00 of life insurance. ($3,000.00/500.00 = 6; 6 x 100,000.00 = $600,000.00) of insurance to meet your bills. The surviving souse would invest the $600,000.00 at a conservative interest rate of 6 % which would generate $36,000.00 a year in interest before taxes. Because the surviving spouse and children would be living off the interest, rather than the principal. the income would last forever. Many people feel that $50.000.00 worth of insurance, that's commonly part of, an employee benefit's package. is enough. It is not.Therefore, at the time of divorce, it is imperative that additional insurance be obtained so that, in the event that your spouse dies, and alimony and child support ceases, the surviving spouse and children have sufficient funds to live on.To get life insurance "by telephone or on line" the following sources can be considered:

InsuranceQuote Services 800-972-1104
http://www.iquote.com/

MasterQuote 800-337-5433
http://www.masterquote.com/

QuickQuote 800-867-2404
http://www.quickquote.com/

Quotesmith.com 800-556-9393
http://www.insure.com/

TermQuote 800-444-8376
http://www.termquote.com/

Information provided by: Ann O'Flanagan located at http://www.divorcesource.com/NJ/oflanagan.html

Family Wars: The Alienation of Children

2008-03-07T06:53:00.000-08:00

Family Wars: The Alienation of Children (provided by Dr. Peggie Ward)

Composite case from actual examples

The parents of Amy (age 10) and Kevin (age 7) are divorcing after 13 years of marriage. Their father, by temporary stipulation, has moved from the marital home. He is entitled to visit with the children on alternating weekends and one evening, during the week. Soon, the children begin to refuse to go with him. At first, they do not want to leave Mom; they say that they are afraid to go. When Dad comes to the house, Mom tells him that she\he will "not force the children to go." "Visitation is up to them." and she\he will "not interfere in their decision".

The children refuse to talk with him on the phone. Mom calls him names when he telephones and complains constantly about her financial situation, blaming him, all within hearing of the children.Dad attempts to talk with the children about the situation, then to bribe them with movies, shopping trips, toys. They become more and more sullen with him and resistant to coming. Anything, routine doctor visits, invitations from a friend, a visit to Aunt Beth, serves as an excuse to avoid visits.A court appointed guardian ad litem learns from the children that "Dad is abusive and mean to us. " They do not want to go on visits. However, when asked to give specific examples of how he is abusive, their stories are not convincing, "He yells too loud when we make noise." "He made me climb all the way to the top of a mountain." "He gets mad at me about my homework." "He makes me wear my bike helmet." "He pounds the wall to get us up in the morning and it makes me afraid that he'll hit me." They say that he has never hit them, although they state that they are very afraid that he will. These children are in the process of becoming alienated from their father.An increasing number of children are experiencing the divorce of their parents or litigation over their custody some time during their minority. Some children experience the concerted, albeit often unconscious or unintended, attempt of one parent to alienate them from their other parent. It is the purpose of this article to alert lawyers, judges and parents involved in divorce and custody wars to the serious nature of parental alienation and to provide suggestions for court based intervention.

I. Definitions

II. Harm to The Child

III. Motivation for Alienation

IV. Recognition of Alienating Behaviors
A. The Continuum: Distiquishing between"typical Divorce and "Alienation"

B. Mild

C. Moderate

D. Overt

E. Severe
1. Prevention
A. Education

B. Attorneys

C. Courts

2. Mild Alienation cases

3. Moderate

4. The Parent Evaluation

5. Severe: The Fully Enmeshed Child

6. Conclusion

Information provided by:Dr. Peggie Ward located at http://www.divorcesource.com/NH/DS/ward.html

Helping Divorcing Parents Make Good Choices for Their Children

2008-02-29T06:23:00.001-08:00

By Patricia J. Seaver, MSW, DCSW

Marriages may end but parenting does not. Children who experience the end of love between their parents require extra assurance that their parents’ love for them is eternal. Parents should be guided by these facts and give their children primary consideration both in parental behavior and as they negotiate legal matters.

A child’s need for and right to the best parenting his/her parents can offer continues throughout life. This is acutely important when a marriage dissolves. Children learn many lessons about life and relationships during the divorce process and from its aftermath. Mothers and fathers are wise to remain aware of the emotional and psychological legacy they are creating for their offspring.

Reaching an agreement about legal and physical custody, child and other financial support is a daunting task for both parents. Often there is disagreement which leads to acrimony and drawn out adversarial positions. In the heat of these intense emotions, children’s feelings may be overlooked. It takes a great deal of insight, selflessness and self control for parents to protect their children from being drawn into the crossfire.

Providing a loving, stable and age-appropriate environment involves more than logistics. Children of various ages have different requirements for emotional, social and physical comfort and security. Issues such as communication, visitation, physical custody, dating parents, school, involvement with extended family and community resources, affect each child according to such factors as age and gender.

Most parents work hard to remain civil, cooperative and tolerant. Many children survive divorce successfully and adjust well to the changes in their lives. However, even with the best intent, stress and discord may impede the agreement process. Children rely on their parents to protect their best interests and to provide the best chance for a positive outcome. When an impasse occurs it may be necessary to seek professional help.

Patricia Seaver, founder of Positive Transitions, has a career spanning 30 years in Behavioral Healthcare, Executive Management, and Life and Executive Coaching. As a licensed psychotherapist she has worked with individuals, couples and families to help improve their lives and relationships. Utilizing her expertise as a family and couples therapist and lecturer, she advocates “In the Best Interest of the Child”. Working with divorcing parents as a mediator, her goal is to assure that children and their psychological needs are well served during and after the divorce process.

Positive Transitions is a Coaching practice for individuals and groups undergoing changes in their personal and professional lives. Ms. Seaver’s experience as a clinician and executive business woman has helped many people and organizations achieve their goals for success and satisfaction.'

Ms. Seaver holds a BS degree from Cornell University and an MSW degree from Simmons College Graduate School of Social Work. She has also undertaken post-graduate training in professional Coaching and Positive Psychology.

You may contact Ms. Seaver through her website, http://www.4positivetransitions.com/

Video on Children and Divorce

2008-02-28T10:46:00.001-08:00

What is a Guardian ad Litem?

2008-02-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

"Guardian Ad Litem Defined"
From Cathy Meyer,Your Guide to Divorce Support.

The Guardian Ad Litem, for the purpose of pending litigation puts themselves in the shoes of a legally incompetent person such as a minor child. The Guardian Ad Litem invistigates all issues associated with the case they are assigned to and files a report with the court.

Guardian Ad Litems are usually lawyers or mental health professionals, depending on the court and the circumstances. They investigate the matter, use their own judgement in determining what is in the best interest of the child, and report their findings and recommendations to the court. In contested custody and visitation cases, courts frequently appoint a Guardian Ad Litem for the children.

If you have a case in the court that requires a Guardian Ad Litem, treat him/her professionally. Return phone calls and try to be as cooperative as possible.

It isn't easy having an outsider poking their nose into your business but, at times it is necessary. It is imperative that you get past any negative feelings or resentments you have about the situation because the impression you make on the Guardian Ad Litem could have a lot to do with the outcome of your case.To not put your best foot forward will only hurt your children.